No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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