also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
