just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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