i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
