"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
