I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
