I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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