i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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