he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
