I think I won the penis lottery.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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