Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
