haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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