Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
