I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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