You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I smell stomach acid.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
