Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
