This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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