Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
