I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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