i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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