god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
