his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
