sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
