Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Where is the hickey?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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