It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
