I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
