He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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