I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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