Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
