its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I have tasted many bathrooms
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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