the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
