I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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