Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
