dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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