I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
