yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
