I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
