I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
