I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
