did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
