I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
