This dress was meant to end up on your floor
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
