He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
