Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
