did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
P.S. I can't hear my feet
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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