I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We got so high we made milksteak
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
