Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
