The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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