I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
