My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
