so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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