I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
