i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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