I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
