Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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