he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
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You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
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