Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
