Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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