I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
