My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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