I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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