Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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