she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The Olympian is in my bed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
